How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
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Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken