Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


The plane starts going down. I say, “If we die, know that hat is hideous”. We all survive. Great Aunt Mildred hasn’t spoken to me since.


Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic


Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana


*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?


*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*


sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”


Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”


9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.