[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Cinema or bowling
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
“That’s what” – She
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Fries, not lies.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
You wish you had this many chins.