[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.