Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably