being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
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My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.