[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
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Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any