Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!