Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

catch me on valentine’s day like

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

I’m good, thanks.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro