[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
