[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good