[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail