Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

RT if you know someone like this!!!

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.