Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?