Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

And that about sums it up.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.