{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”