Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now