Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

😂

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting