Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill