[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.