Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

Truly one of the great bangers

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Another interesting #factupdates post!

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.