Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Morning all.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?