Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it