*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
ibopfufen
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium