*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
How did we not see this back then?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this