Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”