Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.