[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…