[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
You Might Also Like
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.