Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Spring of Deception
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind