Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You Might Also Like
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!