Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
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English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
boys are so easy to impress
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty