Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
A male goth is called a broth.
Feels
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
make up your mind
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
