Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?