being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.