Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

this could fix me

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

Boom, boom, ching!

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.