Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

i wish we could shoplift online

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom