Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.