[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
You Might Also Like
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..