[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
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Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.