[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
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[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches