[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
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We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
catch me on valentine’s day like
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
im 7 sauces long
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut