[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.