Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot