[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.


I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?


There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.


I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.


I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning


The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.


It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.


Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked