@BoogTweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

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@huntigula

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

@PrisonCookies

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

@GingerGander

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

@WilliamRodgers

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

@chinkydeliciae

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

@Leemanish

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

@KenJennings

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

@dorsalstream

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

@brandonIee

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked