Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

I hope it’s French Onion!

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.