Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*