[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
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Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
ibopfufen
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”