[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
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A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Try and stop me.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?