[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Legend 🤣🤣
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
This kid is a star!
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work