[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
When someone says you are so lazy
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.