[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Well, my evening plans are ruined
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
#titanic
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.