Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

*jazz hands*

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.