Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed