Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller