[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I already tried new things thanks.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
From my Mom
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.