Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*![]()
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Feels
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work