Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“OMGJK” -atheists
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name