Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Chicago sounds lovely.
