Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
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Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police