Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
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Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?