Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Childbirth is so beautiful
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.