Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Feels like the fourth month in January
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Simple enough.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?