Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

british sex workers really pound for pound

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

As a doctor, I can confirm

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile