Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’