being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
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This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet