being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
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the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
kids play hide and seek like
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill