Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

CUTE CAT‼︎