Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

sign of the times 🖊

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Thursday Thought.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.