Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now