Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

greetings!

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

Skip intro

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?