Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Ron is short for Aaronald

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings