Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Good morning

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

[at Taco Bell]

Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE

Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.