Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.