Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.