Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
☠️☠️☠️
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
