Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Pat is about to own someone
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Love is in the air fryer.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.