Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips